The Blog Less Traveled

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

“Hello?”

“Mrs Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

”Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we’re living with two sluts.”

Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away game between the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

“Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said “Do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So where y’all from?”

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next fatty.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

THE TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

3. The only expense covered 100% is… “Embalming…“

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1. Your doctor prescribes Viagra, and they substitute a Popsicle stick and duct tape!!!!!

If you’re not familiar with the Onion News Network, you should take a look at some of their stuff. They’ve got some hilarious little 2-3 minute fake news segments. There are video spoofs on politics, gender, business, etc. They’re definitely worth a few minutes of your time. If you can’t laugh at any of these, please seek professional counseling. Below are a few of my recent favorites:

Obama Supporters: The Aftermath

Taco Bell Goes Green

Facebook/Twitter For Parents

White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar

Neurosurgeon Turns 100

Gays Deemed Too Precious For The Military

Minotaurs Used In Enhanced Prison Interrogations

Here are a few funny writings from young children about the ocean.

- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

– Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)

- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’

Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’

The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’

‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’

‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’

‘Yes, I do have a house.’

‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’

‘Yes, I have a family.

‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’

‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic?’ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’

Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’

‘No.’

‘Then you’re a queer.’

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The pastor says, “Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”