If you’re not familiar with the Onion News Network, you should take a look at some of their stuff. They’ve got some hilarious little 2-3 minute fake news segments. There are video spoofs on politics, gender, business, etc. They’re definitely worth a few minutes of your time. If you can’t laugh at any of these, please seek professional counseling. Below are a few of my recent favorites:
Obama Supporters: The Aftermath
White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar
Here are a few funny writings from young children about the ocean.
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
– Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’
Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’
The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’
‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’
‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’
‘Yes, I do have a house.’
‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’
‘Yes, I have a family.
‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’
‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’
Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’
‘No.’
‘Then you’re a queer.’
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The pastor says, “Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked…’How much for that faucet?’
Walt replied, ‘That’s pewter and it costs $300.’
‘My goodness that sure is a lot,’ she exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room
Walt yelled, ‘Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?’
Mary replied, ‘No, but I will for the faucet.’
This is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present… again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with them.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don’t remember dates . . .Period!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how to do it best, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
After the conference is over, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,” he tells the doctor, “when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.”
“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.
“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato?
Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”
“Dan Rather?!”
Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds’.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. ‘How long will this
take?’ I asked.
‘They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies.
I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’
Without missing a beat he says, ‘Worked for your butt, didn’t it?’
