• There Ain’t Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My Lovin’ For You
• Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
• I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Sure Woke Up With A Few
• I Kissed Her On The Lips, And Left Her Behind For You
• I’d Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Spend Another Night With You
• She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him Now
• Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
• I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
• You’re The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can’t Bite You Off
• How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?
• She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
• I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
• I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
• I Never Really Loved You, I Just Drank Too Much
• She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw

The teacher asks, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’ With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.’

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you, my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…’

‘Very well, my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so, and another nun in a long habit holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After reviewing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

“Hello?”

“Mrs Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

”Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we’re living with two sluts.”

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

“Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said “Do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

GUTS – Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next fatty.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

3. The only expense covered 100% is… “Embalming…“

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1. Your doctor prescribes Viagra, and they substitute a Popsicle stick and duct tape!!!!!