The Blog Less Traveled

I received this from a friend recently and thought it was worth sharing. It was originally posted here.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back – My husband didn’t say a word…He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls.’

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts’. My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny, did you have an accident?’ This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think, before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night? ‘Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

• The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG, it happened.
• Stupid should hurt!
• Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
• It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
• I’m an optimist, but I don’t think it helps.
• If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
• I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
• Which came first, the woman or the shopping mall?
• So your kid’s no honor student. Society needs laborers.
• If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
• Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.
• The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
• What we need is a patch for stupidity!
• Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
• Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
• Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
• Veni, vidi, VISA- I came, I saw, I shopped
• Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
• I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
• Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
• I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Washington, DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act.

(AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. ‘Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Boxer. ‘We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.’

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’

‘As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,’ said Ken Miller, who lost his position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember ‘rightey tightey, lefty loosey.’ ‘This new law should be real good for people like me,’ Miller added. With the passage of this bill, Miller and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said President Barack Obama (D): ‘As a President with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is my duty as Chief Executive to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.’

• Biblical scholars recently unearthed a previously unknown gospel written by a disciple named “Rusty”.
• If you place a fresh Viagra tablet in a houseplant’s soil every six months, the plant will not wilt.
• The number of words in the Bible divided by the number of verses equals exactly 666.
• Winnie the Pooh was originally named “Winnie the Pee”.
• After extensive study of the Shroud of Turin, it has now been theorized that Jesus had muttonchops.
• Citizens in Ohio unsuccessfully tried to start a charitable organization called “The Salvation Coast Guard”.
• By law, all globes in Australia are displayed upside down.
• If you notify the flight attendant that it’s your birthday, most airlines will let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
• Bonnie and Clyde had another partner named Harold who was unfortunately killed in their first holdup.
• The last words of 47% of American men are “Hey, watch this!”.
• Beethoven wasn’t really deaf, but only pretended to be deaf when his mother-in-law was around.
• One-third of explorers who’ve visited both the North and South Poles developed bipolar disorder.
• The Q-Tip was developed after serious design flaws were found in both the O-Tip and the P-Tip.
• Mr. Rogers was a sniper in the Vietnam War.
• Alan Shepard was the only astronaut to leave his wallet on the moon.
• 22% of airline pilots have a child named “Roger”.
• BMW is developing a side-view mirror in which objects may be farther away than they appear.
• No death-row inmate has ever asked for tofu as his last meal.
• In the Blackfoot Indian language, there is no translation for the name “Clarence”.
• Orville Wright was the first member of the mile-high club.
• The earliest rocking chairs only rocked forward.
• If you make a cow laugh hard enough, milk will come out of its nose.
• By 2012, Pizza Hut hopes to focus less on pizza sales and more on its hut business.
• According to a recently found artifact, it appears that Mary and Joseph’s second choice for a name was Larry.
• To create a nurturing, non-judgmental atmosphere, many math teachers now tell children that no numbers are truly negative.
• A strict vegan will not indicate nonsense by using the word “baloney”.
• A Wisconsin man was beaten by an angry mob because he asked for “no cheese” on his Whopper.

I found some of the following one-liners on a website the other day and I thought I’d share them with you. I think it won’t be too long before some of them start applying to me!

• Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make whoopee” and you answer “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
• You are getting a little action today – but that means the fiber is working.
• You think an “all-nighter” is not having to get up to pee.
• Your friends compliment you on your alligator shoes, but you’re barefoot.
• You stop lying about your age and you start bragging about it.
• You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
• You think “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You point out what buildings used to be where.
• A sexy woman walks by and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
• You’re not grouchy; you just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, and politicians.
• You’re wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just your left leg.
• Everything either dries up or leaks.
• You realize that aging is not for wimps.
• You write thank you notes without being told.
• You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”
• You wear black socks with sandals.

I found some of the below songs on a few websites that claimed they’re actual song titles. I know that a few of them are real, but I didn’t bother to check them all. Even if they’re not actual song titles, who cares. They’re still pretty funny.

• There Ain’t Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My Lovin’ For You
• Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
• I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Sure Woke Up With A Few
• I Kissed Her On The Lips, And Left Her Behind For You
• I’d Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Spend Another Night With You
• She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him Now
• Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
• I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
• You’re The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can’t Bite You Off
• How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?
• She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
• I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
• I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
• I Never Really Loved You, I Just Drank Too Much
• She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw

A teacher in Michigan asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again. Little Johnny says, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’ The teacher says, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’ Johnny says, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’ The teacher asks him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican’.

The teacher asks, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’ With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.’

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you, my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…’

‘Very well, my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so, and another nun in a long habit holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

The Penis Asks for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After reviewing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina