SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you, my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…’

‘Very well, my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so, and another nun in a long habit holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Let’s end the month of February on a high note. There’s a gentleman named Bob Moore who owns a business in Milwaukie, Oregon called Bob’s Red Mill Natural Foods. He started the business with his wife, Charlee, in 1978. It’s grown steadily over the years and is a multi-million dollar operation with over 200 employees. This month he celebrated his 81st birthday. Normally, the person celebrating their birthday gets all the presents. However, in this case, the tables were turned – and in a big way. Bob unveiled an Employee Stock Ownership Plan that effectively gave the ownership of the company to his employees. Any employee who has been working there for at least three years is a fully vested owner. How about that for showing employee appreciation?

Here’s another good example of why you still have to have hope in the human spirit when most of what you hear on the news is about corruption and human failings. We definitely need to hear more about the Bob Moores out there.

To read more on this story in The Oregonian newspaper, click here.

Two months from today is the Boston Marathon. I’ve been running twice a week – one short-length run and one medium-length run. Considering the cold weather and snow this winter, it’s been going pretty well. I was going to increase my training to three times a week for the last two months. Unfortunately, I threw out my back big-time on Tuesday. I’ve been taking muscle relaxers and Ibuprofen to deal with the pain and muscle spasms. I went to a chiropractor the last two days to help reduce the pain. Hopefully, if I take it easy the next week or two, I’ll be able to get back into training mode. If it takes much longer than that to recuperate, I think I’ll have to give up my chance of being ready for the marathon. That would be a real bummer.

Although it’s not the same thing, I can totally relate to the current athletes that are competing in the Winter Olympics. Those that were injured just before the games or those that got injured during their practice runs must be utterly disappointed. Some of them have put years and years of training into it. To have come that far and then lose the opportunity to compete must be absolutely heartbreaking. In my case, even though it would only be 4-6 months of training, it would still be a very big disappointment. I am really looking forward to this marathon. Hopefully, I’ll recover quickly enough and get the opportunity to compete.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After reviewing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Yeah, I know. A lame transformation of René Descartes’ original saying. Sacre bleu! Anyhow, the other day I was loading up my iPod that I use when I go for a run and I realized that I have a ton of Apple stuff. The picture on the left is my current iPod collection. I started buying Apple products about 3 years ago. I took a quick inventory, and here’s what I have so far:

• Apple MacBook Pro 15”
• Apple MacBook Pro 13”
• Apple MacBook 13”
• Apple iPod Shuffle
• Apple iPod nano
• Apple iPod Touch
• Apple TV
• Apple 24” Cinema Display
• Apple Airport Base Extreme
• Apple Airport Express
• Apple Wireless Mouse
• Apple Keyboard

I guess I’ve made the transition from Windows to Apple! I gave away my last Windows laptop a couple of weeks ago and my last Windows desktop about a year ago. We are officially a 100% Apple household. It’s not that hard to make the transition. There is a bit of a learning curve to get used to the Mac OS X system, but it’s not too bad. Most of the software you tend to use on a day-to-day basis is already included in the basic system. Unless you’re doing Windows software development, pretty much any type of software is available for the Apple. Even then, if you really need to run a Windows program, you can run it on your Apple in a virtual machine or using the included Boot Camp software that comes with every Apple. There’s even software that will let you make an exact copy of your current PC and import it and run it on your Apple in a virtual machine environment. It’s really pretty slick.

So, when are you going to take the plunge?

Pants on the ground,
Pants on the ground,
Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground!

Well, I just couldn’t resist. I think this is as apropos a metaphor as you can get concerning Obama and his Presidency. Mr. Transparency is finally being seen by the majority of liberal and conservative thinking Americans for what he truly is. He is an extreme Socialist at heart and will do anything to further his agenda. The Healthcare bill and how it was conceived and presented to the American people will be a great history lesson for years to come. Never in recent history has the arrogance and sheer underhanded political maneuvering been so blatant. The President and the Democrats in Congress are equally responsible for this debacle. To think that they were so close to ramming this monetary nightmare through Congress is unbelievable. I, for one, am extremely grateful that the people of Massachusetts elected Scott Brown as their next Senator. Without that vote, Obama would now be signing that bill into law. Thank you, Massachusetts.

What I still don’t understand is why it took so long for people to see the truth in all of this. If this was such a good program for the American people, why did the Democrats have to write this bill in such secrecy and behind closed doors? Why did they have to bribe so many members of their own party? Why did Obama hold closed-door sessions with labor union bosses and give them “sweetheart” deals? Representative Joe Wilson was right when he told Obama, “You lie!,” during his speech to Congress last September. He lied about the real substance of the bill and he lied to the American people when he said the Healthcare bill proceedings would be televised on C-Span. He also lied when he said he would have no lobbyists in his administration. And despite Obama always criticizing the Bush administration for “sweetheart” deals with favored contractors, the Obama administration recently awarded a $25 million federal contract to a company owned by a Democratic campaign contributor without any competitive bids. How many times do you get a free pass on all this before the people say, “Enough is enough!”

So, there you have it America. The man who campaigned and promised hope, change and transparency is finally being seen for the deceitful and Socialist politician that he really is. A Chicago-style politician at his finest. Tomorrow will be his State of the Union address. I’m sure he’ll try to minimize all his blunders and lies and blame most things on the past administration. That’s always his excuse when his failed policies don’t work. Hopefully, most Americans will see through this charade. This man is NOT worthy of the Presidency – never was, never will be.

Anyway, I got the below email from a friend the other day and I thought I’d share it with you.

A Harley Davidson biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

Sadly, that pretty much sums up the liberal news media’s approach to the news these days.

I’ve recently been reading a book called, “26 Miles to Boston.” It’s about the Boston Marathon – surprise! The gentleman that wrote it goes over the history of the marathon. The reason why I like the book is because he gives a blow-by-blow account for each mile of the race. He ran the race back in 1996 and discusses all the things that a runner might be interested in as he runs the course. There’s a chapter for each mile. He tells you the general slope, the points of interest along the way and anything else of value. The course runs through eight different towns and he describes the roads, the crowds, the town, etc. It’s been pretty interesting, thus far. I’m on the chapter for mile 13 right now. This is the portion of the course that takes you through Wellesley College, the women’s liberal arts college. From the description, it sounds like the ladies there really whoop it up for the runners. It’s also the halfway point in the marathon, so I guess it’s a little boost for the runner.

At this point, you might be asking yourself, why the heck did I title this blog posting, “Forgive Me When I Whine?” Well, while I was reading the book, the author mentioned how a long-distance runner has a lot of time to contemplate things. He said during the long stretches when things got tough, he would sometimes think of his favorite poem, “Forgive Me.” He wrote down a portion of it in his book. I did a little digging on the Internet and found out that it’s actually the lyrics to a song by an Islamic singer named Ahmed Bukhatir. It kind of puts things in perspective when you complain about things not going well at the time. Be thankful for all the good things that are going on in your life.

So, if you hear me complaining, forgive me when I whine.

Lyrics: Forgive Me…

Today, upon a bus,
I saw a girl with golden hair.
And wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch.
But as she passed, she smiled.

Oh God, forgive me when I whine. When I whine.
I have two legs the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it’d do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
“I thank you, you’ve been so kind.
You see,” he said, “I’m blind.”

Oh God, forgive me when I whine. When I whine.
I have two eyes the world is mine.

I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play.
He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
“Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew. He couldn’t hear.

Oh God, forgive me when I whine. When I whine.
I have two ears the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I’d go.
With eyes to see the sunset’s glow.
With ears to hear what I’d know.
Oh God, forgive me when I whine. When I whine.
I am blessed indeed, the world is mine.

“Hello?”

“Mrs Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

”Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

I think we could all learn to be a little more appreciative of our friends and loved ones. I’m certainly no saint in this regard and could improve some myself. I think I’ve let some things slide over the years until they became bigger than they needed to be. I’m still a work in progress – hopefully I’ll get better. I do have a lot of things to be appreciative for. First and foremost, there’s my family. I’ve got the best wife and daughter – this year has really proven that to me. I’ve got some great friends and relatives, too. We’re all healthy and hope to stay that way. We’re all looking forward to a great 2010.

Happy New Year everyone!