The Blog Less Traveled

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you, my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…’

‘Very well, my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so, and another nun in a long habit holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

The Penis Asks for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After reviewing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

“Hello?”

“Mrs Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

”Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we’re living with two sluts.”

Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away game between the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

“Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said “Do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So where y’all from?”

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next fatty.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

THE TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

3. The only expense covered 100% is… “Embalming…“

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1. Your doctor prescribes Viagra, and they substitute a Popsicle stick and duct tape!!!!!

If you’re not familiar with the Onion News Network, you should take a look at some of their stuff. They’ve got some hilarious little 2-3 minute fake news segments. There are video spoofs on politics, gender, business, etc. They’re definitely worth a few minutes of your time. If you can’t laugh at any of these, please seek professional counseling. Below are a few of my recent favorites:

Obama Supporters: The Aftermath

Taco Bell Goes Green

Facebook/Twitter For Parents

White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar

Neurosurgeon Turns 100

Gays Deemed Too Precious For The Military

Minotaurs Used In Enhanced Prison Interrogations

Here are a few funny writings from young children about the ocean.

- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

– Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)

- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)