- The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG, it happened.
- Stupid should hurt!
- Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
- It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
- I’m an optimist, but I don’t think it helps.
- If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
- I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
- Which came first, the woman or the shopping mall?
- So your kid’s no honor student. Society needs laborers.
- If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
- Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.
- The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- What we need is a patch for stupidity!
- Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
- Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
- Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
- Veni, vidi, VISA- I came, I saw, I shopped
- Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
- I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
- Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
- You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
- I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
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